"The reason is not the disability, but the person's lack of education and empathy"

240 million of children worldwide live with some form of disability. Many of them face prejudice and marginalization, and their problems often go unrecognized and unnoticed by others. Children and adolescents with special needs are up to four times more likely to suffer physical and sexual violence. Children and teens with special needs are also three times more likely to be bullied than their peers. In addition, women and girls with disabilities face multiple types of discrimination, which puts them at a greater risk of gender-based violence, including sexual abuse, neglect, ill-treatment and exploitation. 

We spoke to the parents of children with disabilities and to the psychologist Sergiu Toma to find out the effects of violence on children with special needs and what are the available solutions to prevent it.  

"Dașa can defend herself, but for me the fear still persists"   

Aurica Atonov gave birth to Daria in 1986, at the age of 21, when little was known or talked about Down syndrome. When Daria was older, Aurica took her to kindergarten. But the children's parents were against Daria being there. Aurica decided to homeschool her daughter.    

"Once, when Dașa was six years old, she went to the playground, and I was nearby watching her. At one point I noticed the children throwing stones at her. A little girl started throwing them and others joined in", the woman says. Although she went to the girl's parents and tried to discuss her behavior, they were not alarmed. "They told me that such children should be kept indoors, they have no business being outside," the woman recalls.  

Aurica adds that, although violence and bullying affect not only children and teenagers with special needs, the latter also seem to be an easier "target".    

"She's 38 now, but we still walk down the street hand in hand. I'm afraid someone will look at her badly or say something nasty to her. Now she is not a child and can defend herself, but for me the fear persists", the woman confesses.  

Unfortunately, adults and children with Down syndrome face bullying, especially of the verbal kind, even today. "Some time ago I was riding the bus with Daria and two other children with Down syndrome and their parents. Some young people, 16-17 years old, started laughing at them, insulting them. Dașa took out her phone and started filming them, and they started laughing louder", the woman says. Then Dașa burst into tears and her mother had to explain that it was not her fault, it was the lack of education and understanding of the young people. 

Aurica says that even though she has tried to explain to the young people on the trolley bus that they are not behaving properly, she understands that this is not enough to make a difference. "It would be more effective if children and young people were involved in activities with people with special needs, to understand that they are just like them, to learn to be more empathetic."

Parents of children and adults with Down syndrome try to be there for them all the time, because they don't have enough mechanisms to protect themselves or to berate them when they are bullied.    

"When we're walking down the road and someone stares insistently at Dașa and she asks why, I tell her she's a star and people know her because they've seen her on TV. If someone upsets her, I tell her that the person lacks understanding, it's not her fault, it shouldn't make her sad," Aurica explains.  

"They used to tell me that Bogdan was 'not normal' and even called him feebleminded"   

Bogdan is 13 years old and is the first child of Xenia Telechi and her husband. The couple have two other children, 11-year-old Maria-Elena and two-year-old Ana-Ioana. They live in the village of Peresecina, Orhei. At first Bogdan seemed like a healthy child, but as he grew up, the family began to question his health. When the boy was two and a half years old, after many visits to doctors and unconfirmed diagnoses, doctors mentioned autism.    

Since kindergarten Bogdan has faced verbal abuse and rejection. "He was often neglected by educators, left to sit alone in a corner. The teachers told us that Bogdan was not a proper child and even called him feebleminded", says Xenia.    

She admits that when she was young, she didn't know much about her son's diagnosis or how to react in such situations. She argued with the teachers, and bad words were directed at the child and herself.   

"It wasn't just the teachers who didn't accept Bogdan, but also the other children. The children were saying: get out of the way, don't play with Bogdan, he's not like us," says Xenia. Neither the teachers nor the institution was prepared to work properly with Bogdan. Most of the time he was simply left alone. As a child, Bogdan didn't understand what was going on around him, he didn't understand that his peers and educators didn't accept him.  

"I don't know how it is in the city, but in the village, children are labeled. It all starts in kindergarten, if the child is labeled in kindergarten, he goes to school with the same label," says Xenia.    

However, when Bogdan went to primary school with a personal assistant, Xenia's sister, things seemed to have improved. "The teacher I had in primary school always told my classmates that even though Bogdan is a special child, he’s still just like the others," says Xenia. However, starting with the 5th grade things have changed. His classmates started to look down on Bogdan, sometimes laughing or pointing at him. Even though Bogdan's biological age is 13, mentally he is at the level of a 2–4-year-old. "When someone bullies him, he bursts into tears and comes to hug me, calling me mother," says Xenia.    

It also happens that Bogdan is bullied by passers-by in the street. And some of the neighbors have told Xenia that she should keep her son indoors. "In these moments I feel guilty that I couldn't do more for my child. I feel that we are alone and those around us are hostile towards my child and our family," Xenia confesses.  

How to prevent violence and bullying of children with special needs    

Psychologist Sergiu Toma says that violence and bullying against children and adolescents with disabilities can be explained by a lack of experience living with them. "As a result, other children tend to behave as they know or as they feel like. It's more complicated for them, because often the behaviour of children with special needs is not clear to them." The psychologist adds that in this situation, it's natural for children to withdraw, not to interact, because they don't know how to do it.    

Sergiu Toma says that most of the time, children with disabilities are raised in a protective environment, and when they go outside, where they don't have the same protection from those around them, the shock is bigger, and children become more vulnerable because of their disability.    

Resilience or resistance to environmental stressors is built up in the early years of a child's life and is a gradual process. "Whether we are talking about a child with special needs or not, parents’ role is to explain that there are, simply put, good people and bad people in the world. So, they have to be prepared that someone may not accept them or behave badly towards them", says the psychologist.    

Here are some suggestions from Sergiu Toma for parents.  

How can I help my child respond to bullying:   

• Explain to your child that some people he will meet or interact with may exhibit hostile or violent behaviour and the reason is not their disability but the person's lack of understanding and empathy.   
• Discuss with your child different situations in which they may be bullied in your absence: at school, on the playground, in the street.    
• Explain to your child that it is normal to be afraid or to cry.    
• Teach your child to ask for help when they can't cope.   
• Tell your child who they can ask for help in different situations: a parent, siblings or relatives, teachers, etc.   

Violence in the school environment  

Of course, not only parents of children with disabilities must bear the burden of creating a more tolerant society. Sergiu Toma says the presence of a child with special needs in the classroom and school is a risk factor for bullying. The role of teachers is to prepare the ground, to explain to pupils that any violent behaviour will not be tolerated. Teachers need to help children create an environment where there is mutual respect and where pupils know they can approach the teachers when someone is misbehaving or in situations that are unclear to them. This builds a culture of cohabitation.    

"We need to understand that preventing violent behaviour is not about making it never happen. It means creating an environment where there are other ways for children and teenagers to assert themselves, to solve a problem, to express their dissatisfaction, without resorting to any form of violence."     

How can schools prevent violence? Psychologist's recommendations:  

• Surveillance of places where violent behaviour may occur playgrounds, corridors where students spend their breaks, after-school spaces, classrooms with no adults. 
• The teacher must express a very firm negative attitude towards any form of bullying and not display such behaviour towards pupils. 
• Training the teachers on how to prevent inappropriate behaviour or bullying towards children with special needs.    
• Children with special needs and other children need to know that they can trust teachers when a misunderstanding arises and that they are the first person they should turn to for help.    

Psychologist Sergiu Toma says that when talking about helping children who have experienced various forms of bullying, whether they have special needs or not, a multi-directional approach is needed. "We need to work not only with the child who has been bullied, but also with the parents, the children who have shown such behaviour, the teachers and anyone else involved. That way we can better understand the situation and find solutions."  

For any cases, please reach the support services, free and confidentially: 

• Trust Line for Girls and Women 0 8008 8008 
• Child Helpline 116 111 
• Hotline support service for people with disabilities 080010808 

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This material is part of the #abilitaremd campaign, organised by UNICEF in partnership with A.O Prietena mea: "An inclusive world starts with me, with you, with us...", which aims to change attitudes and improve opportunities for children and adolescents with disabilities, as well as their parents or carers. The article is produced with the financial support of the Ministry for Economic Cooperation and Development of the Federal Republic of Germany through the German Development Bank (KfW).